5 minutes ago I was laid in my bed, thinking, why I don’t have a boyfriend?.. It all came up because my best friend just told me that today is the first year anniversary of their first date she had with her boyfriend. I tried to sound really excited, but all that came up was these faces 🙂 😀.. .. .. bad, I know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her and him but I just don’t get excited about these things because I’ve never had such a “strong” feeling for someone, such a strong feeling to remember the day of the first date.
The truth is, I like my freedom, my free soul, myself. I’ve come to realize this based on the dates I’ve had lately. I don’t know why but I really can’t just free myself from me (its that right?) I mean, they are great guys, but most of them I find them boring, or to clingy. The kinda guy that would talk for hours about their “amazing” degree in something technological zzz or the type that would do the baby-talk and tell you shitty baby names and you are not even dating them.
There was one though, but that’s just another part of my fatalistic love life. Army guy, had to leave, we spend some really cool days and bye bye.. Remind me again how when I actually “like” someone, he has to be thousand of miles away?. Yeah..
My point is that, I’m the kind of girl that falls hard, blind and 100% for a guy. That’s why I find it so hard to date, that’s why I don’t give my love to anyone. Let’s say that right now, it’s exclusively for me, myself and I.
I’m the kind of girl that would settle and be a real housewife for my guy if I really love him (if I ever write that I’m about to cook for someone on a date, be aware, might be hubby material). But I don’t think I would settle here, in Panama, everything here tells me to go! to find new horizons, new faces, new guys. Panama is yelling at me to leave and settle somewhere I would really feel a part of.
Nothing, absolutely nothing here tells me to stay. Maybe my parents, but that’s it. I know my friends and my family will be here when I come back.
Love is the only thing that would make me reconsider travel. Love is such a powerful feeling in me. That’s why I watch the most corny and sentimental romantic movies, that why my eyes get fill with tears when I see an old couple holding hands and kissing. Because I want that, I do want that true lasting love that would endure through good and bad times. But before that, I need to find myself, I need to get out of here, I need to learn to love myself more and more until the day I find my guy, my man, my everything.
I don’t want a protector, I want a partner in crime. Someone that won’t be afraid to let my mind wander in weirdness and go along with it. Someone that would tell when I’m having a bad time and would just tell me “wanna get out of here?”, someone that would take risks for me, fight me and tell me that something is wrong even though I don’t see it. Someone that would not be afraid or embarrassed of my clumsiness and craziness.
You know, that kind of guy that would make you reconsider your whole life in any second. That with a look we would say everything even though we haven’t said a word. And laughter, lots and lots of laughter, that laughter that would make your stomach hurt and get instant abs.
And maybe above all, passion, passion to be with each other, but enough to know each other space, little details like putting his hand behind your head and touch your ear, grabbing your hand suddenly, kiss you so hard and gentle at the same time. You know that kiss that push him so hard into you that feels like a whole person. Well that.. and more..
But for now, I’m fine, I’m not gonna date someone that wouldn’t make me feel any less than what I just explained. I know he’s out there, somewhere in the vast world, waiting for me (aww how corny of me). Well I’m a romantic after all 🙂