Insomnia, pancakes and snaps

A few weeks ago I told you that my blog was under maintenance; and it was true. But also my life was under maintenance. I decided not to apply to a Master’s Degree just yet because I figure I should get more experience in the work field of the Master I want to apply and also because I didn’t feel prepared to do it.

All these thoughts and decisions came along after a life threatening event that placed me in the hospital for three days. The most innocent type of food tried to kill me: a pancake.

Yes, people, a pancake gave me such a severe and aggressive allergic reaction that my eyes were blown up until I couldn’t see, my throat was also blown up and I couldn’t breathe and well.. basically, scariest shit I’ve ever been through, all because of a pancake.

After this event I was weak for a few days and my always faithful lack of sleep during nights transformed into the most devilish kind of insomnia. 

The difference between my previous lack of sleep and the current insomnia was that; before, if I put myself to sleep, I would sleep right away, but this fucker didn’t let my mind rest and even though I would put myself to sleep, I wouldn’t. One time, I literally was awake for 48 hours, straight. My mind just wouldn’t be still and rest, it had to keep on thinking and creating.

One thing that was good is that when I couldn’t sleep I would write or draw. I was actually creating some art, the most amateur kind of art but a creation nonetheless. So I took advantage of it, made some designs for my tattoo and wrote whatever was on my mind; if anything that was going through it made sense.

As all of these went through I was attending my photography course and now I can finally say that I can defend myself taking pictures in a manual mode! ha!, of course, I’m not gonna start proclaiming myself as a photographer or an artist even, that would be silly.

I think I’m at a point in my life that I’m revealing and figuring out more things about my persona and my interests, and I love it. The pancake threat was like a revelation for my life, it may sound silly but it was, still is. It made me realize that even the smallest, most innocent thing can kill you, I guess.

So, after these series of events, my blog needed to be renewed too, because my blog is me at the end of the day. Now you will expect more art, more world art, more photography and even more poems or whatever the hell it is I write. More thoughts, probably.

Of course, I don’t wanna make the blog like a journal but it will be slightly more personal, in some sort of way. I think it needs to be like that in order to be renewed.

I hope you stick around and the blog can get 100 followers. I don’t wanna be fetching followers all over the web so if it happens, it happens. But one thing I learn this past few months is the more real and yourself you are, people will like you more and accept it.

And remember people, even a pancake can kill you, live your life

R.

PS. sorry to all the pancake lovers out there but, I ain’t messing around with those bastards anymore 😉 oh and btw, how you like the new layout? yay or nay? 

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Do epic shit

Do epic shit

even if it is only to travel.

In fact, travelling (for me) might me the most epic thing you can do.

Eat (random street food of dubious origin),

feel the breeze from the desert, the beach, the mountain, even the from the fast passing cars,

talk (note to self) to random people,

give them a smile, is the most gentle gesture you can give to another human being

respect other cultures as you want them to respect yours.

Go climb the highest mountain (if your body allows it, what else’s stopping you?)

Go swim in the ocean (if its not dirty)

Go for a walk and absorb your surroundings, either it is a city or a forest.

The world is our playground,

let us never lose our inner curious child.

Live simple, live plenty

&

above all, love passionately

do everything with love,

Even if it is only to travel

R.

Love is love. Lust is just our animal instinct

I don’t know why this is my topic today but, it is.. Maybe it is because 2 days ago I watched the most passionate movie I’ve ever seen in my life. It jumped to my favourite drama/romantic movies I like.

Tres Metros Sobre el Cielo

Anyways, if you know Spanish I highly recommend you to watch it, its called “Tres Metros Sobre El Cielo” (Three Steps Above Heaven). It will boil your blood with its intensity and passion of young people, young Spanish people. And the second part, “Tengo Ganas De Ti” its even better, more mature, more passionate, more real.

Perhaps the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic makes me love these movies beyond reason, but I really hope you can find it online with English subtitles and watch it. Its to die for.

🙂

Well, getting back to the subject in matter.. LOVE. shit that is such a strong word for me. To be honest, I think I’ve never said it meaning it romantically. Just to friends and family.

I don’t know if that’s good or bad, you tell me. But for me, in order to say those words, I have to be completely, absolutely sure about my feelings.

Nowadays, people in general, including me (I recognize my truth) are so lost in what it means to love and loved. We get in this shallow shitty “relationships” that keep us wandering in the same shitty cycle we call “being loved”.

Look, I haven’t have many boyfriends, in fact, I’ve just had 1 boyfriend in my 21 years living in this Earth (shocking I know) but its because I can’t be with someone in a serious relationship without being known, I can’t be with a man, if that man doesn’t know me. And that’s where lust and sex come in.

For me, sex is just an animal act, all living things do it, either it is to procreate or not. But what happens with us humans is that we actually KNOW what we are doing (unless you are drunk or high haha in that case you are a plain animal humping) and why.

I can say in my life, I’ve had 3 sexual partners since 18 (you do the super high math, not really) and I don’t feel bad about it. I wanted to do it everytime (animal instinct) even though they weren’t my boyfriends. Shit, if that’s good or bad, I don’t give that much importance to sex than I do for a serious relationship. I’m not proud of what I’m about to say but I’m gonna say it anyway; I find it easier to have sex with someone than to have a relationship. (oh no she didn’t).

My point in all this is that I want a relationship of course, but I don’t want any relationship. I want a passionate relationship, with lots of kisses and laughter (mostly laughter), I want.. I need someone with whom I can be myself more than anything else. I’ve figure this out with some dates I’ve had; the moment I feel like I’m forcing myself to be someone I’m not or if the man doesn’t get my sarcasm or my weirdness I freak out and leave (I think I have a problem). I just know what I don’t want more than what I want, does that makes sense?

Why do people get stuck with someone they don’t feel passionate anymore? habit? fear? See.. that’s the fear I don’t want to feel, I’m terrified.

I think I want someone who would move everything in the world to be with me. I want that kind of love that is so strong and full of passion that I can feel I could conquer the world with that person. That love that I could be so free at the same time, that would push my limits, my boundaries, my everything.

I just remembered a quote that says “Seduce my mind and you can have my body, seduce my soul and I’m yours forever”.

 

And this is exactly what happens to me, I haven’t found the one that can seduce my soul enough for me to be in a relationship with him. Its easy to find someone to have sex; everybody wants to have sex, but to find love is something else; its the most amazing finding in the world, and that’s what I want.

Why is it so hard? but you know what, I rather by single all this time than to be in a million relationships without feeling a hint of passion and I-would-die-for-you love.

I’m gonna end the post with a “poem” I wrote a while back while frustrated thinking about this exact same issue (it comes into my head from time to time hahaha)

Where?

Where could you be?

Have I met you yet

or you remain one of the unknown?

It’s been forever since

I felt something in my guts aching,

aching for love.

It’s been forever since

I kissed someone’s lips

and they kissed me back & meant it.

I love my loneliness

but in days like this, 

when the pouring rain 

and the thunderstorm fright me,

I wish I have someone

holding me

telling me everything’s fine, 

that after the rain, always comes the rainbow.

Confidence gets weaker

as the days go by.

Little rush of excitement may come,

but nothing like feeling loved

and give love back.

What keeps me moving on 

is that maybe, just maybe

you are asking yourself 

the same question,

the same corny question.

So I’m just gonna keep waiting,

waiting for the day you pop into my life,

and give it a surreal twist.

People don’t understand why,

why I don’t have someone.

I say don’t worry, I don’t understand either.

I just know that when it comes

it will be amazing.. surreal.. happy.. passionate.

I’ll open up my arms, heart and soul for that love,

and that it will be 

the start of the best chapter in my life.

R.

Mother F* Roller Coaster Mind

Ok since I’m in the mood of “poems” and stuff like that, I decided to post my favourite one. I feel really good about this one because is how I feel most of the time. Is not related to travel or anything but is how I feel and I wanted to share it. Soon and when I feel inspire I’ll post about travelling 🙂 hope you stay in tune..

Mother F* Roller Coaster Mind 

Mother f*

roller coaster mind,

always thinking

too far or too close

too much or not enough.

Mixed feelings along the way,

no time or too much time.

Hopes, expectations,

regrets and mistakes.

What ifs or oh wells?

what’s it gonna be?

My shoulders shrink

just to think.

The problem is

don’t want to think

and yet, that’s all I do.

Things keep running through my head

like a mother f* roller coaster.

Ups and downs

spins and twists.

Can not deal anymore

just hang on and let it sink in.

My heart keeps racing,

even though I’m laid still.

That’s exactly my problem,

my mind’s on a race

but my body’s still.

The two of them

don’t function together.

Is like having two people,

living in two worlds,

double thinking,

double twist,

double shit,

roller coaster spin.

Is like being laid in bed

trying to move,

but your body won’t listen,

don’t care that much to listen.

It just stays there,

waiting for the mother f* roller coaster to stop.

But it won’t listen,

it doesn’t want to.

I’m in no control

of the other being.

Stupid mother f*

roller coaster mind,

how I hate you

and love you at the same time.

Too self aware

or not aware at all.

I’m just done,

f* you roller coaster.

R.